my quest for reasons!

like many nights,last night i went out in my balcony..it was 2.35 a.m...perfect darkness...the moon smiling upon
me and the stars twinkling above..the weather was very cold and i zipped up ma jacket...i sat down in the corner
where i usually did...on the cold marble floor...huddled against the wall....

i looked up again and saw the white moon smiling but i scowled at it...for the past few days life had been
strange,i was happy because my exams had finally got over, i was catchin up with friends, eating out, shopping
and having fun...but on the other hand something wasn't going right.

i looked at my hands and went down memory lane...when i used to hold my mother's hand and walk...and since i
was small i had this habit of asking questions...about anything and everything....mom always had and still has
answers...but sometimes she used to get exasperated and tired of my questions....and i used to be left with my
thoughts to ponder over...sometimes i got answers,sometimes i didn't!sometimes i figured out stuff
right,sometimes i didn't!but the unanswered questions used to haunt me,and sooner or later mom would give
me all the answers..

as i grew,i thought i'd grow out of this habit...but i just didn't...i'd ask my teachers,my friends,my cousins,
whatever i didn't know and wanted answers for them...i felt i wasn't doing anything wrong..they were mere
questions which if people knew the answers would respond,otherwise not..

as i grew older,to what i'm today,a 19 year old girl...i realise my quest for answers just hasn't ended...only my
list of potential people has decreased and i feel only these people can be approached...but sometimes these
people too fail me...that's when i start feeling alone and lonely....when i'm lost in finding my answers i need
these people to help me....sometimes stuff happens with these very people..inexplicable according to them....they may hurt me,ignore me,make me feel bad...but because some friends and people are special you want to forgive them,,,,and in order to do that you need answers to why they hurt you,why they behaved the way they did...maximum people get out of it by saying they don't know themselves why they do stuff...not realising how important the reasons are for the other person...in order to get over that thing.....and specially me...i take a hell of a time to recover and that to when all the facts are clear in my head..but if i don't know why the other person treated me the way they did,i just can't seem to get over it...of course i forget it but when stuff happens with that person again,everything starts flowing back...like it had never been over..and believe me it's the worst thing to feel..

i looked at the floor now and felt tears creeping up in my eyes....i didn't want to stop them...they flowed out like an uncontrollable tide that was waiting to come...i sobbed and sobbed,knowing that won't help,knowing it was of no use....the chilly air was slapping across my face but i was finding comfort in it....there's no way i'm going to stop expecting from people,no way that i would stop from asking questions,whether they thought i asked for justifications or was just plain interrogating them...i will never be at peace if i compromised on my feelings...if these people loved me enough,liked me enough they would answer all that i had to ask,give me all my reasons...very patiently and graciously..and with these thoughts i went inside and started locking the doors...

"I'll Fight For You"-FOREIGNER
I'm turning to you, when love is on my mind
You're all I want, woman, and love's so hard to find
I know that I hurt you, and I know that I was wrong
But I want you back, back where you belong
And I won't give you up, no I won't walk away
I hope and I pray, I hope and I pray
You'll forgive me someday
I'll fight for you, I'll give you all I got to give
I'll fight for you, as long as we both should live
I'll search for heaven each dayAnd together, we'll find a way
And I'll fight for you darlin'
I'll fight for you baby, cause I've waited too long for love
You're all of my life, and every time I look at you
I keep tellin' myself, you're the one thing I just can't lose
Our love runs so deeply, can't you feel it in your heart
'Cause girl we've got something, that no one can tear apart
I'm tellin' you now, this love, it just can't be wrong
Oh, it can't be wrong
And I won't give you up 'cause I've waited too long
Oh, I've waited too long for love
I'll fight for you, I'll give you all I got to give
I'll fight for you, as long as we should live
I'll search for heaven each day
And together, we'll find a way
And I'll fight for you darlin'
I'll fight for you...

short version of the sad love story!

saw this video on ma friend's cell and have been thinkin of it since then....damn good 1...
this is how it goes...
short version of the sad love story..
boy:v need 2 talk
girl:what do you mean?
boy:well somethin has come up...
girl:what's goin on?is it bad?
boy:i'm leaving...
girl:baby plz don't....i really love you..plz don't leave me....i don't understand!
boy:i'm moving away....my mother is sending me to a boarding school far far away...
girl:baby i don't want you to go....
boy:baby i need to see you tonight....i am leaving at 1 am...can i meet you now?
girl:ok i will sneak out and meet you in the park
[they meet at the nearby park and hug each other.the boy gives the girl a note.]
girl [begins to cry]:i love you!
boy:baby plz don't cry...i have to go!
[girl reads the letter at home] you probably already know that i am leaving.i knew this would be better if i wrote a letter telling you the truth about how much i care about you.the truth is i never loved you..i hated you so much...u r my bitch and don't you ever forget that.i never cared about u.i never wanted to talk to u and b around u...u really have no clue how much i HATE you!!now that i'm leaving i thought u shoul know bitch i hate you!u neva did the right thing and u were neva there..i dint think i could hate someone like you...i neva want to c u 4 the rest of my life...i will never miss kissing u or cuddling you!i will never c u and that's a promise!
[she finds another piece of paper with the letter]baby i hope you find this note 1st-
hate=love, neva=always, will not=will
i thought ur dad would be mad if he sees it so switched words...
[girl smiles and switches on tv]
[PLANE CRASH!THE 1 IN WHICH HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE]
she turns off the tv and goes to the bathroom.she kills herself thinkin she has nothing to live for.he was everthin to her!
the next day the phone rang.it was him leavin a message sayin he was still alive and not 2 worry...
boy:i missed my flight coz i had 2 c u 1 last time......hope ur not worried....i'm here to stay for good....i love you!

this is for all young people in love don't eva do something bad to yourself just cuz of love.

bumper stickers!

-its sad when people you know become people you knew,when you can walk past someone like they were never a big part of your life,how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now you can barely look at them.its sad how life changes!

-before i met you,i didn't what it was like to look at someone and smile for no reason!

-sometimes you have to lose something to get something better!

-you know you're in love when the hardest thing to say is goodbye!

-i envy you having a friend as stunning as me!;)

-because sometimes u have to step outside the person you've been and remember the person you want 2 be!the person that you are!

-you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than dreams~

-i'm not even going to try and get mad anymore.i just have to learn to expect the lowest from the people i thought the highest of.

-if God brings u to it,he'll get u through it...

-"i'm here and i love u.i have always loved u.and i will always love you.i was thinking of u,seeing ur face in my mind every second that i was away.when i told you i didn't want u,it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy"

-sometimes u have to test someone not because u don't trust them,but to c how much they'l sacrifice for u.and sometimes u have to let them go not because u suddenly stopped caring for them,but to see if they care enough to come back...

-sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of ur life that u expect it 2 be always there...because u can't remember a time in ur life when it wasn't...but then 1 day u fel somethin else...somethin that feels wrog,only because its so unfamiliar and in that moment u realise ....you're happy!

-it's not about who you've known longest....its about who came and never leeft ur side.

-isn't it ironic...v ignore those who adore us,adore those who ignore us,hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us?

-u can neva find the right person if u can neva let go of the wrong....but at the same time...the moment u feel like lettin go u remeber y u held on for so long....sometimes u have to forget what u want and remember what u deserve...

-missing someone gets easier everyday,because even though it's been one day further from the last time u saw each other,it's one day closer to the next time you'l meet!

-sometimes u just feel,everythin and nothin all at once,sometimes you'l find yourself smiling,while missing something at the same time.at times u can absolutely love a person,all the while wanting to hate them.life comes without guarantees except that smiling will brighten ur face,laughing will enhanve ur eyes and falling in love will change ur life...

-some girls were just born with glitter in their veins!

-i.ve learned that goodbyes will always hurt,pictures never replace having been there,memories good or bad,will bring tears and words can never replace those feelings...

-God is a DJ,life is a dancefloor,love is the rhythm,u r the music!

-i got an A in shop class!

-its not my fault that when i was a baby i was dropped in a box of glitter and i've been shinin ever since!

-PINK!don't ask why i love it so much...i just do...

-sometimes people put up walls,not to keep people away,but to c who cares enough to tear those walls down.

-the only people u need in ur life are those that need u in theirs!

-music-my anti reality!

-days,weeks or even months over-analysing a situation,trying to put the pieces together,justifying what could've happened-or u can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on!

-there's a point in ur life,when u get tired of chasing every1 and trying 2 fix everythin...but its not giving up...its realisin that u don'y need certain people,the bull shit and the drama they bring!

-women should b 2 things-classy and fabulous!

-i never let the actions of another make or break me,and i never let a single person shake me coz honestly i don't give a fuck who hates me!

-i'm selfish,impatient,and a little insecure.i make mistakes,i am out of control,and at times hard to handle,but if u can't handle me at my worst,then as u sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!

-i've made mistakes in my life,i've let people take advantage of me and i accepted way less than i deserve...But i've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things i can never get back and people who will never be sorry,i'l know better next time and i won't settle for anything less than i deserve!

-someday someone will walk into ur lifeand make u realise why it never worked out with anyone else.

-i cant change the way i am and i cant change the way i think but if i offended u,gud!coz i still dun giv a damn!

-don't make someone a priority when they make u an option...

-true friendship isn't being inseparable,it;s being separated and nothing changes...

changing with people...unknowingly.!

i was just going through my old school picz 2day.remembring all the times,good and the bad,and i realised that the reason why i was so impatient and immature always was my FRIENDS!!lol!!yeaaa!!

anything i asked for,anything i wanted,whatever tantrums i made,no matter how much i irritated them,troubled them,there they were!never once correcting me,never once fighting with me,always treated me like a princess!!(thats what i liked being called in school!)

if any1 ever said anything about me or did anything 2 hurt or upset,instead of telling me to get over it and giving me boring lectures,they were there planning revenge or something or the other...sometimes i would tell them that i was fine and that they dint need to take all the trouble and they would tell me to stop being such a 'saint'!!

and thats why i love them so much...cos they always accepted me as i was,loved me with all my flaws,helped me out of all shit...

i remember one incident that happened with me and my best friend kunjal because of which we have bonded more.we were in the same section in 11th but in 12th got shuffled.she was in 'g' and i ws in 'h'..when we got shuffled,we were in tears but gradually we settled down...kunj would always come to my class after every period and things were kewl...in 'h' section i became frenz with another girl...i sat with her everyday and we used to be together a lot...1 day kunj came inside my class and i dint even notice her...i was so busy talkin to the other girl...she said hi and i said hi back but again got involved talkin to the other girl....i saw kunj suddenly get very red and and she shouted angrily "yea.make new best friends and when i'm not around you'l realise my value"saying this she stormed out..i was stunned for a moment...shit!!i'd made her feel she was replaced!!shit!!my teacher came inside the class...it was a math class and i wrote kunj a long letter saying sorry i took her for granted and that i would never even think of replacing her and that i valued her...next period i went to her class...there she sat still red,i asked her if she was okk,she scowled,i gave her the letter and ran to the girls loo...she started running after me,calling me but i wouldn't stop...to the people in the corridors watchin us running towards the loo was a funny sight i'm sure!!i locked myself in 1 cubicle and cried and she kept knockin and calling out saying she was sorry..i sobed from inside that i was at fault...she said no she was...finally i came out and cried like crazy and kunj seeing me like that was almost in tears...she's a very unexpressive girl....it takes her a lot to say something and she never had to cause i always understood but that day she opened up beautifully,expressed in clear words everything and i felt better...i'v never known the jealousy of losing a friend to someone..she explained it to me...when we went back to our classes it was the last period.chutti time we met in the bus area and she handed me a letter and we hugged and parted..
i read the letter in the bus and when i reached home there were was also a message from her...that day was the worst and best for me....my friend forgot her own grief and was saying sorry to me when the mistake was mine!i never in my life took her granted after that!

and of my impatience and temper,now that i think of it,i was dangerous!!lol!!
there was this friend of mine in school...i remember he'd gone out of station for quite sometime and returned...i expected he would come and meet me but i was so weird i dint think of going myself and meeting him...he met all his friends but me,and by break time i was furious!i met him in the corridor in the break...he came upto me and said 'hii!!hows ya?!' i was so mad i shouted at him in front of atleast 50 students of our batch,'get lost yaaa!!i dun wanna talk to you..'and walked off...his friends were laughin at him but i gave a damn..he gave me a confused look and walked off...later chutti time he came upto me and asked 'radz what was that all about?what did i do that you yelled at me that way?' i was still in a foul mood 'well you forgot i was your friend...you met every1 but me...even those stupid girls you normally bitch about...' he said ' i dint call these stupid girls everyday from punjab!i called you!so you're not a friend den?!?' i was getting really agitated for no reason 'you'l never understand me...' he looked at me and said 'fine then,we aren't frenz then i suppose?' i said ' i suppose so 2!' and walked towards my bus...
on my way home i chilled out,calmed down and saw sense...after my lunch i messaged him that very instant,'i'm sorry yaar...i was very rude i know...if u eva shouted at me in fronta ppl i wud neva 4giv u but i hop u 4giv me...i miss u' he replied 'bubby its ok...i missed you 2...and i'l always meet ya 1st and foremost!ok now?'....i felt so bad....i was so bad to him and it took him 2 seconds to accept my apology...i called him and cried and apologised again...later i asked him why he forgave me...he said 'cos ur my bubby frend...impatient and crazy...does things outta impulse...u shouted outta impulse...sed sorry outta impulse....you're from the heart....knw wt i mean na?you must've felt bad when i said hi to every1 but you..'i said 'r u serious?i lost it for no reason' he said 'but u found it 2!!and i know you wouldn't till i was fine 2!ur a complicated gal anyway' ...i was quiet and then i said, ' thanx....ur an awesome friend...i'm very lucky to have people like you around'
'i kno i kno' he chuckled!!dis particulr person iv tortured a lot and vice versa!lol!i was like the limit of rudeness with him but we were stil best friends...once we had a fight and even after it was resolved i was pissed!!owing to my weird nature...he used to call me everyday and that day when he dint i called him and said 'are you plannin on not talkin or wot?'(this became my pet dialog wheneva i was angry!)..i expected he would be angry too but he said calmly 'no radz!!u think i can manage without talkin to u?i wasn't at home yaa tats y i dint call...dint u get my messages?'...i was taken aback by his positive response 'ummm no i dint...but tatz no excuse realy to talk to u like tat...im sorry..'he said.'naa,i am,bubz!u cried cos of me today...hated it!'

after school i met my boyfriend...n he's 1 person i'v met after school who has always tried 2 understand me no matter what!!even when i'v been a mean bitch,he's been there to straighten out things!if i write instances of us here about our understandings and misunderstandings,i'l be sittin here typin till mornin!!and i anyway dun share my personal life with every1 but yes,i love him and its because of him i'm becoming mature and a good person...

now that i'm outta school i miss some people around me...its like i've had to change myself in a lot of ways just to adjust in the new scenario..where i dun hav ppl backin me up even if i'm wrong....understandin my true feelings...forgivin me easily as if i'd done nothing...now i feel that if i'm the same impatient and crazy person,people dun accept me,think i have a weird attitude and ego and stuff like that(except bf n ol!!)...no1s ever said that to me but i personally feel like that...and its not that those people in school were with me for years...k ws ma frend for 2 yrs and the guy mentioned above for like 4.....but they had such a level of understanding!every1 knew about me too much...more than me!

i really miss every1 and the old crazyyy me tooo(not the temper part though!)..but i guess we all have to mature with time....with diff people...but one thing's for sure,i'l change how much in the years to come i dunno!but i'll always remember the school me VIVIDLY!!hehe..

yes,sometimes i feel changin is for our own good..i'm learnin 2 adapt 2 diff typa ppl,maturin which i think is very imp for me..in real life,as in,in the outside world i wont always have people 2 pamper me.....and i feel i only want the specified people i have right now in that category....additions will always be there in my list but no deltions 4 sure! ;)

i want you to....

if i'm happy,i want you to rejoice with me.....

if i'm sad,i want you to comfort me.....

if i'm lonely,i want you to come and drive the loneliness away.....

if i'm silent,i want you to read all my thoughts....

if i cry,i want you to wipe away my tears and give me a big hug.....

if i'm upset,i want you to lend me your ears and your heart to pour my feelings in.....

if i'm unwell,i want you to take care of me.....

if i fight with you,i want you to know that i love you and a fight won't change that......

if i'm rude to you,i want you to know there is a reason.....

if i hurt you,i want you to know i'm very sorry cos i'd neva want to hurt you intentionally......

if i promise you something,i want you to know i'll keep it for life.....

if i'm insecure and underconfident,i want you to bring me back......

if someone fights with me,i want you to take my side......

if we argue,i want you and me to resolve the issue in a day if not less than that.....

if i overreact,i want you to be a calmer person and understand me....

when i wake up in the morning,i want you to be the 1st person i talk to.....

when i sleep in the night,i want your voice to be the last 1 i hear....

if i call you and you don't respond,i want you to know i keep waiting for your response.....

if i'm busy and am not able to give you as much time as you deserve,i want you to know that as soon as i'm done getting busy,you will be my priority.....

if i like something and you don't,i want you to only remember that i like that something,so that later wheneva i'm upset you mention it and it cheers me up.....

if you promise me something,i'll never forget it so i want you to never break the promise......

if you try to do something for me and it doesn't work out,i want you to know that the thought you put in it for me meant the world and i'd carry that memory with me forever......

if i ever need you,i want you to be available......

if i call you or message you,please reply to it......if you're busy,let me know and i wont disturb...

if i trouble you,i don't want you to get fed up of me or give up on me.....do try and understand me..always..

i want you to know an 'i love you' message has more value than a 'sorry' card for me......

i want you to know when you call out of your busy schedule just to say those 3 words it lights up my day...........

i want you to know i'm very proud of you for the kind of person you are......

i want you to remember all the reasons why i love you and i dont want you to change any of them.......

if you ever decide to go,i want you to know i'll be heartbroken but i'll be waiting...with open arms and a 100 slaps!..........

if i ever decide to leave,don't let me,love!i want you to hold me back with all your strength,all your love,everythin!

i want you to do all this for me and much more...and i promise to do all this too!!

patch-up!

my phone was ringing.i went to pick it up.it was 1 of my best friend,she was studying in pune now and was back for her vacations.2 days after she was back,she and her bf had some tiff and had 'officially' broken up.and thus my friend's broken heart and endless tears for weeks.we met everyday,i tried all means of entertainment but her tears just wouldn't stop and i knew they wouldn't for a long time.i knew exactly how she felt and so was with her.i picked up the phone quickly,expecting a tearful girl,crying her feelings out.
"hey radz!guess what?we patched up!" came the voice on the other side.for a moment i didn't know what to think and then suddenly i was very happy!when we kept the phone.i was smiling..but there was some weird feeling going on in my head that just wouldn't go..finally i decided that fine,let's see what this weird feeling is all about!
i realised that when i first heard the words 'patch up',my mind voice snorted!i'v never in my life believed in this word...cause i dont think it possible!!how can 2 people who have been together once,made promises,loved each other and then later on fought,broken all promises,plainly hurt-be back together?the answer by every1-cause they love each other..why else??i mean its cool they love each other..but have they forgotten the time when that person left them alone..crying..when you needed them the most....how can anyone forgive after going through sucha traumatisin phase?i wont eva want to be back with a person once ditched!!people get in relationships so that even if the rest of the world turns their back,they have someone to fall back on and support them,someone who understands,someone who loves you no matter how mad you are at them,some1 who'l call you outta his busy schedule just to say he loves you...i know reading this you might think i've an unreal rosy perception of love...but thats how i really am..i've always had fairytale fantasies...n fortunately i've been living in a fairytale!!lol!
i had seen my friend literally suffer for days...crying,weeping,getting unwell,blaming herself,almost begging her guy....did she really want to live with this guy?n if this guy really had so many issues with himself n her,why is he patching up?why not let her cry like shes been doing for almost a month now?why did he care to come back?strange stuff....a break off for me is mutual understanding...both agree to it in some way...it is heart break too but in a less painful way...cause you have reasons and you undrstand...that both people should be nothing but friends and not even that if its not comfortable...
the phone rang into my thoughts..it was my friend again...i picked it up thinking "what now?"..her voice came over the phone,filled with joy,"you know what radz?it is fine now..we talked it all over,about the days that passed and he's really sorry and im too..but now things are gonna be kewl..you know what he said?he said that..."and her voice just went on and on with genuine happiness...as if she'd never experienced all the sorrow just 24 hours before...as she talked, a smile came on my face...i thought all of this was really worth it to see her so happy...all it took was a patch-up!maybe its not that bad a thing!!maybe it is a prerequisite for relationshipz! :)