my quest for reasons!

like many nights,last night i went out in my balcony..it was 2.35 a.m...perfect darkness...the moon smiling upon
me and the stars twinkling above..the weather was very cold and i zipped up ma jacket...i sat down in the corner
where i usually did...on the cold marble floor...huddled against the wall....

i looked up again and saw the white moon smiling but i scowled at it...for the past few days life had been
strange,i was happy because my exams had finally got over, i was catchin up with friends, eating out, shopping
and having fun...but on the other hand something wasn't going right.

i looked at my hands and went down memory lane...when i used to hold my mother's hand and walk...and since i
was small i had this habit of asking questions...about anything and everything....mom always had and still has
answers...but sometimes she used to get exasperated and tired of my questions....and i used to be left with my
thoughts to ponder over...sometimes i got answers,sometimes i didn't!sometimes i figured out stuff
right,sometimes i didn't!but the unanswered questions used to haunt me,and sooner or later mom would give
me all the answers..

as i grew,i thought i'd grow out of this habit...but i just didn't...i'd ask my teachers,my friends,my cousins,
whatever i didn't know and wanted answers for them...i felt i wasn't doing anything wrong..they were mere
questions which if people knew the answers would respond,otherwise not..

as i grew older,to what i'm today,a 19 year old girl...i realise my quest for answers just hasn't ended...only my
list of potential people has decreased and i feel only these people can be approached...but sometimes these
people too fail me...that's when i start feeling alone and lonely....when i'm lost in finding my answers i need
these people to help me....sometimes stuff happens with these very people..inexplicable according to them....they may hurt me,ignore me,make me feel bad...but because some friends and people are special you want to forgive them,,,,and in order to do that you need answers to why they hurt you,why they behaved the way they did...maximum people get out of it by saying they don't know themselves why they do stuff...not realising how important the reasons are for the other person...in order to get over that thing.....and specially me...i take a hell of a time to recover and that to when all the facts are clear in my head..but if i don't know why the other person treated me the way they did,i just can't seem to get over it...of course i forget it but when stuff happens with that person again,everything starts flowing back...like it had never been over..and believe me it's the worst thing to feel..

i looked at the floor now and felt tears creeping up in my eyes....i didn't want to stop them...they flowed out like an uncontrollable tide that was waiting to come...i sobbed and sobbed,knowing that won't help,knowing it was of no use....the chilly air was slapping across my face but i was finding comfort in it....there's no way i'm going to stop expecting from people,no way that i would stop from asking questions,whether they thought i asked for justifications or was just plain interrogating them...i will never be at peace if i compromised on my feelings...if these people loved me enough,liked me enough they would answer all that i had to ask,give me all my reasons...very patiently and graciously..and with these thoughts i went inside and started locking the doors...